A Survey of Sex, Marriage, and Divorce in the 21st Century

In my career as a mediator, I’ve noticed that as divorce and marriage evolve, so does the science of relationships. Modern research is delving deeper into how factors like sexual desire differences affect marriage stability and how engaging in sex during separations influences final outcomes. Here is a survey of a few intriguing insights.

Personality and Sexual “Wiring”

Ever wonder why some people seem more prone to stray or feel stifled by monogamy? The study of sociosexuality (basically, one’s willingness to engage in sex outside of committed relationships) offers some insight. Research suggests that individuals with a more unrestricted sociosexual orientation (i.e., those who are comfortable with casual sex and multiple partners) are more likely to struggle with long-term monogamy and experience marital dissatisfaction.[^1]

However, this doesn’t mean these individuals are destined for divorce; rather, it underscores the importance of openly discussing expectations around intimacy and commitment. When partners have vastly different appetites for variety or frequency, incompatibility in this area can quietly erode the bond until divorce feels like the only escape. Knowing your own disposition (and your spouse’s) can help you navigate whether you truly need a new sexual horizon or can reinvent things together.

Sexual Reconnection vs. Conflict Avoidance

Research on sexual contact with an ex during separation challenges the traditional wisdom of “cutting ties and moving on,”.[^2] This study found that some individuals cope better with breakups by gradually (e.g. occasional ex sex) rather than going cold turkey. Those who engaged in post-breakup sex reported fewer negative emotions, suggesting that for some, occasional intimacy with an ex may facilitate emotional closure.[^3] The lesson here isn’t necessarily to sleep with your ex if you want to heal, but rather to recognize that closure is not one-size-fits-all. Your emotional needs might not match conventional wisdom, and that’s okay.

Therapeutic Interventions: Can Sex Therapy Save a Marriage?

The intersection of sex and divorce has given rise to specialized counseling approaches. Sex therapists and marriage counselors now routinely encourage couples to talk frankly about their erotic lives, sometimes as a last attempt to save the marriage. In some cases, learning better sexual communication or trying a sex therapist-recommended exercise can significantly increase marital satisfaction,[^4][^5] and further research indicates that sexual dissatisfaction is a significant predictor of marital dissatisfaction and divorce.[^6]

For instance, one study showed that a short course of sexual skills training for couples boosted their overall relationship happiness and reduced marital problems.[^7][^8] While this may not work for all couples, the takeaway is clear: If sexual dissatisfaction is a core issue, seeking professional help is not a fringe idea—it could be the key to rediscovering intimacy. And if it doesn’t work, at least you’ll know you truly explored every avenue.

Non-Monogamy Experiments: A Cure or a Catalyst for Divorce?

What about opening the marriage as a last resort? Culturally, younger generations are more open to non-traditional relationship arrangements in general. A recent poll found 51% of adults under 30 consider open marriages acceptable, compared to only 15% of those 65 and older.[^9] That’s a striking divide. Millennials and Gen Z, having grown up in a more sexually fluid culture, may be less likely to judge a peer who, say, explores polyamory after a divorce. In contrast, older generations might privately wonder if a divorced person is “moving on too fast” or “acting age-inappropriate”.

However, research on open marriages (as well as my personal experience professionally) indicates they are extremely hard to pull off if the goal is to save a deteriorating relationship. One older study infamously estimated that 92% of open marriages end in divorce.[^10] Now, that admittedly old stat might not be rock-solid, but even if we allow significant room for error, it underscores a truth I’ve seen in my practice: opening up is far from guaranteed to fix underlying trust or intimacy issues; in fact, it often exacerbates them. Successful non-monogamous relationships usually start from a place of strength and mutual consent, not last-ditch desperation. So, think very carefully before seeking sexual novelty outside as a cure—all partners need to be enthusiastically on board and armed with exceptional communication skills.

Sex and Self-Concept: Redefining Yourself

Emerging studies in sociology highlight how pivotal sexual self-concept is during life transitions like divorce. Divorce can rattle one’s identity (“Am I still desirable? Who am I as a sexual being outside this marriage?”).[^11] Engaging in sex—either with a spouse you’re trying to reconnect with, or with new people—inevitably feeds into your sense of self. It can affirm your attractiveness and agency, or, if experiences go poorly, it can dent your confidence. Recognizing this power, some experts advise divorcing individuals to work on their sexual self-esteem intentionally. This might mean reading, joining support groups, or just positive self-talk, so that whether you stay or go, you’re making choices from a place of self-love rather than fear.

Final Thoughts: Know Thyself

The dance between sex and divorce is as old as marriage itself, but we’re finally starting to research and discuss it openly. If you’re standing at this crossroads, give yourself permission to factor in the intimate truth of your relationship. Sexual happiness, or lack thereof, is not a superficial consideration—it cuts to the core of our need for connection, pleasure, and acceptance.

Some avoid divorce to preserve stability only to lose themselves in a desert of intimacy; others leap into divorce chasing a sexual renaissance, only to find that emotional fulfillment mattered more than novelty. The key is to know thyself. Reflect on what role sex truly plays in your life and happiness.

For those leaning out:

Consider what you seek that you can’t get within your marriage. Is it truly just sexual variety or passion? If so, can you imagine finding a way to achieve it with your partner, or has that ship sailed? And if it’s more than sex—if it’s about feeling seen and alive—divorce might open wonderful doors, as it did for many who eventually thrived. Just step through with eyes open, a bit of caution, and a heart ready to learn (and yes, maybe burn) again.

For those leaning in:

Don’t shy away from the topic for fear of awkwardness. Dive into these issues with your spouse. It’s challenging, but talking about your deepest desires and fears might in itself create a new level of intimacy. Maybe you’ll discover a spark that was dormant, or maybe you’ll mutually realize it’s time to part as friends. Either way, that honesty is invaluable.

Ultimately, whether you choose to stay and spice things up, or go and embrace a new sexual chapter, do it with intentionality and care. Divorce is a major life transition; sex is a powerful force. When handled thoughtfully, confronting one’s sexual truth—be it through wild exploration or recommitting to a partner—can lead not only to a provocative story to tell, but to genuine growth and fulfillment. And if nothing else, you’ll know that you honored both your mind and body in making one of the toughest decisions of your life.

Bibliography

• Daneshfar, F., & Keramat, A. (2023). Sexual dysfunction and divorce in Iran: A systematic review. Journal of Family Medicine and Primary Care. Retrieved from Consensus

  • See also: Galati, M. C. R., Hollist, C., Tabosa do Egito, J. H., Osório, A., Parra, G., Neu, C., & Horta, A. L. M. (2023). Sexual dysfunction, depression, and marital dissatisfaction among Brazilian couples. The Journal of Sexual Medicine. Retrieved from Consensus

• Hertlein, K. M., Atwood, J. D., & Wyatt, A. M. (2021). The dynamics of consensual nonmonogamy and implications for relational satisfaction. Sexual and Relationship Therapy. Retrieved from Consensus

  • See also: Rodrigues, D. L., Lopes, D., & Ferreira, R. (2017). Caught in a “bad romance”: Reconsidering the negative effects of nonmonogamy on relationship satisfaction.Journal of Social and Personal Relationships. Retrieved from Consensus

• Mason, A. E., Sbarra, D. A., Bryan, A. E. B., & Lee, L. A. (2012). Staying connected when coming apart: The psychological correlates of contact and sex with an ex-partner. Journal of Social and Clinical Psychology, 31(5), 488–507. https://pmc.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/articles/PMC4495913/

  • See also: McNulty, J. K., Maxwell, J. A., Meltzer, A. L., & Baumeister, R. F. (2019). Sex-differentiated changes in sexual desire predict marital dissatisfaction. Archives of Sexual Behavior, 48, 2473-2489. Retrieved from Consensus

• McDonald, M. M., Schmitt, D. P., & Overall, N. C. (2021). The relationship between sociosexuality, mating strategies, and marital satisfaction. Evolutionary Psychology. Retrieved from Consensus

  • See also: French, J. E., Altgelt, E., Meltzer, A. L., McNulty, J. K., & Maner, J. K. (2019). The implications of sociosexuality for marital satisfaction. Journal of Personality and Social Psychology. Retrieved from Consensus

• Naderi, S., Delavar, A., & Dortaj, F. (2019). Evaluation of the effectiveness of sexual skills training on increasing marital satisfaction. Advances in Health and Behavior. Retrieved from Consensus

• Qavami, R., Mohammadi Fazel, M., Aliyari, Z., & Beiraqdar, S. (2023). The role of marital boredom and sexual dissatisfaction in love failure in couples with emotional divorce. Applied Family Therapy Journal. Retrieved from Consensus

• Schoenberg, D. R. (2024, June 5). Opening up about open marriage: Views of non-monogamous relationships are evolving, but does open marriage work? Schoenberg Family Law Group, P.C. https://www.sflg.com/opening-up-about-open-marriage-views-of-non-monogamous-relationships-are-evolving-but-does-open-marriage-work

• Spielmann, S. S., MacDonald, G., Joel, S., Maxwell, J. A., Peragine, D., Muise, A., & Impett, E. A. (2016). Longing for the ex: Sexual fantasies about past partners and the potential for rekindling past relationships. Journal of Personality and Social Psychology. Retrieved from Consensus

• Zenoozian, S., Bayat, F., Soltani, A., & Mirloo, M. M. (2024). The prevalence of sexual problems in the divorced population and the prevalence of separation in populations with sexual problems: A meta-analysis. International Journal of Impotence Research. https://www.nature.com/articles/s41443-024-00918-2

NOTES:

[1]: (McDonald et al., 2021)

[2]: (Mason et al., 2012)

[3]: (Spielmann et al., 2016)

[4]: (Mason et al., 2012)

[5]: (Zenoozian et al., 2024)

[6]: (Qavami et al., 2023)

[7]: (Zenoozian et al., 2024)

[8]: (Naderi et al., 2019)

[9]: (Schoenberg Family Law Group, 2024)

[10]: (Hertlein et al., 2021)

[11]: (Daneshfar & Keramat, 2023)