Charting the Course of Your Divorce

Divorce isn’t like flipping a switch; it’s a controlled demolition. Two people work together to dismantle the structure they spent years building, and out of the rubble, two separate futures emerge—ideally, ones that don’t resemble a scorched-earth battlefield. But before you swing the hammer, take a breath, and ask yourself: What are you actually trying to achieve?

Forget the self-help fluff promising an instant gratification through effortless liberation. In their glossy rhetoric, marriage dissolution is presented as a streamlined, consumer-friendly transaction: a divorce that’s as simple as ordering takeout. They assure you that you can sever ties with minimal fuss, all while glossing over the unavoidable emotional, financial, and legal quagmires that are involved. In short, they sell the notion that divorce is easy and simple.

Yet in real life, divorce is an emotional endurance test, a numbers game, and a bureaucratic maze all in one. If you don’t have a clear picture of where you want to land, you risk getting sucked into a process that’s costly, soul-sucking, and ultimately pointless. Worse, if there are kids involved, your choices will shape their childhoods in ways you can’t take back.

So what’s it going to be? The delusion of a clean break, a years-long war, or something in between? Research indicates that the way this choice is handled significantly impacts the well-being of both adults and children, influencing mental health, relational dynamics, and life trajectories.[^1]

The Temptation of Retribution

Let’s be honest: sometimes, revenge sounds fantastic. For many of us humans, when we’ve been wronged, there’s an undeniable appeal to seeing our tormentor suffer, and in a divorce, that can manifest through a lopsided settlement, a nasty custody battle, or just the pure satisfaction of watching them flail.

But this is similar to how we help children understand and process feelings: Emotions are always valid, but acting in ways that are unsafe is not okay.

Over the years, I’ve discovered that divorcing with retribution as the goal is a guaranteed way to put yourself at risk. And it’s not just my take; the research is pretty clear on this, too: the people who turn their divorces into long, bitter fights end up emotionally wrecked and financially depleted.[^2] Anything they “win” is cannibalized by the cost to their sanity (and legal bills).

And if you have children? The fallout from a high-conflict divorce isn’t just painful—it’s developmentally catastrophic. Studies show that kids caught in hostile divorces have higher rates of anxiety, depression, and lifelong relationship struggles.[^3] You might think you’re protecting them, but if they’re watching two people they love tear each other apart, they’re absorbing the damage.

So ask yourself: Is this about creating a workable outcome, or is it about making them pay? Because if it’s the latter, you might want to reassess whether you’re actually benefitting…or just self-destructing in their direction.

The Lure of Protraction

On the other end of the spectrum, it can be just as human to feel as if we just can’t let go. Not because the marriage is salvageable, but because the unknown is terrifying. Neuroscience backs this up: we humans are wired to fear uncertainty more than we fear a bad situation.[^4]

So, many of us stall. We drag out negotiations. We avoid finalizing agreements. We let our lawyers file just one more motion. Not because we want a better deal—but because once the divorce is over, it’s really over.

But the reality is that delaying doesn’t ease the pain. It just prolongs it. Every extra month someone spends in legal limbo is another month of stress, another month of legal fees, and another month where your future is on hold.[^5] And if you have kids, you’re keeping them in an emotional no-man’s land where they don’t know what’s coming next.[^6]

An injury requires a bandage, yes—and yet at some point, one also have to rip off the Band-Aid. Efficient, clean, and strategic beats slow, painful, and aimless every time.

Getting to “Goldilocks”

So if “win-at-all-costs” and “never-let-go” are both disasters, what’s the alternative? A process that’s clear, efficient, and oriented towards results.

That means:

- Financial clarity: Knowing what’s fair for the family, and knowing what’s realistic, without allowing ego get in the way.

- Prioritizing: Custody, housing, assets—sort the big stuff carefully, and don’t sweat the little things.

- Discrete: An outcome that lets you actually move on, instead of chaining you to an endless legal fight.[^6]

Focus less on who wins or loses. Focus more on walking away with your sanity intact and a functional plan for the kids.

The Role of Attorneys: Scratch the Itch, but Stay Smart

You might be wondering: Should I see an attorney?

Yes. If the thought has even crossed your mind, then absolutely—go scratch that itch.

I used to tell people to avoid attorneys like the plague. Not because they’re bad people, but because they have a financial incentive to stretch things out. And let’s be honest: many of them will.

But here’s the thing: you’re smart enough to know that. You’re not a passive pawn in this process. If you walk into an attorney’s office with your eyes open—prepared, skeptical, and armed with a list of direct questions—you’ll get useful information without getting sucked into unnecessary conflict.

Most good attorneys offer free consultations. Use that time wisely. Ask:

• What are my actual rights?

• What’s the fastest and cleanest way to get this done?

• What’s your approach—do you resolve cases quickly, or do you litigate aggressively?

You’ll walk away with knowledge and, more importantly, peace of mind. And funnily enough, most people who give themselves permission to see an attorney don’t even end up hiring one. Just knowing they can keeps them from spiraling into doubt.

And if you do hire one? No problem—just make sure they’re working for you, not their billable hours. A good attorney can be an asset, especially in mediation. Sometimes, having a lawyer at your side can allow you to dispel doubts in real-time, allowing you move forward in the mediation with confidence. Done right, a lawyer’s presence in mediation doesn’t derail the process—it validates it.

Final Thought: Healthy Divorce Is a Choice

Healthy divorce isn’t about revenge. It’s not about clinging to the past. It’s not about hiring the meanest lawyer or dragging things out until your ex collapses from exhaustion.

Healthy divorce is a process. And like any process, the smartest way through it is to try to be clear-headed, prepared, and in control.

You can walk away from this with a fair settlement, a co-parenting plan that actually works, and your sanity intact. Or you can make it a disaster—an expensive, emotionally draining war that serves no one.

Your outcome is not predetermined—it is the result of your choices in the midst of crisis.[^8]

Interested in Mediation? Let’s Talk.

I offer a free 1-hour consultation. Schedule yours today.

📞 Text/Call: (612) 234-5357

📧 Email: clientcare@glassmannfamilycoaching.com

🌐 Website: www.glassmannfamilycoaching.com

Bibliography

• Amato, P., & Sobolewski, J. M. (2001). The Effects of Divorce and Marital Discord on Adult Children’s Psychological Well-being. American Sociological Review, 66, 900. Retrieved from Consensus.

• Apata, O. E., Falana, O. E., Hanson, U., Oderhohwo, E., & Oyewole, P. O. (2023). Exploring the effects of divorce on children’s psychological and physiological well-being. Asian Journal of Education and Social Studies. Retrieved from Consensus.

• Bian, Y., & Ji, C. (2024). The Impact of Parental Divorce on Children’s Mental Health. Lecture Notes in Education Psychology and Public Media. Retrieved from Consensus.

• Davis-Peña, J. C., Farias-Cruz, E. L., Grillo-Zárate, R. P., & Blasco González, E. (2022). Impact of divorce on children’s mental health. Revista Internacional de Ciencias Sociales. Retrieved from Consensus.

• Hartnup, T. (1996). Divorce and marital strife and their effects on children. Archives of Disease in Childhood. Retrieved from Consensus.

• Hughes, K. (2007). Mothering Mothers: An Exploration of the Perceptions of Adult Children of Divorce. Australian Journal of Social Issues, 42, 563-579. Retrieved from Consensus.

• Kleinsorge, C., & Covitz, L. M. (2012). Impact of divorce on children: developmental considerations. Pediatrics in Review. Retrieved from Consensus.

• Luailik, M., & Sa’diyah, E. H. (2023). The Impact of Parental Divorce on Children’s Psychology. HISTORICAL: Journal of History and Social Sciences. Retrieved from Consensus.

• Roza, S. E., Irman, I., & Silva, F. (2024). The Impact of Divorce on Children’s Social Behavior. International Journal of Research in Counseling. Retrieved from Consensus.

• Williams, K., & Dunne-Bryant, A. (2006). Divorce and Adult Psychological Well-Being: Clarifying the Role of Gender and Child Age. Journal of Marriage and Family. Retrieved from Consensus.

NOTES:

[1]: (Williams & Dunne-Bryant, 2006)

[2]: (Davis-Peña et al., 2022)

[3]: (Luailik & Sa’diyah, 2023)

[4]: (Bian & Ji, 2024)

[5]: (Amato & Sobolewski, 2001)

[6]: (Roza et al., 2024)

[7]: (Apata et al., 2023)

[8]: (Hughes, 2007)